Dear Scarlett,
Today, I picked you up and swayed side to side as I sang this song to you. You watched me with your giant dark eyes, mesmerized. After a few moments, you wrapped your arms around me and laid your head down on my shoulder.
Tears.....they flowed down my cheek but I kept on singing. I don't know the words to tell you what you mean to me, Scarlett....I guess this song says it best.
Your little hands reaching for me. The way your eyes widen when you see a horsey. The sound of your laughter. Nothing is as endearing as those things. Every morning when I wake up to your little voice, I thank God a thousand times for placing you in my arms. You are my greatest achievement in this world. You are everything to me, in a world full of nothing. You are my sunshine.
I watch you start to become a little girl. How I love and hate this in the very same breath. I love that you are healthy and smart, hate that you are no longer my baby. My baby Scarlett....
The way you enter my room early in the morning when I'm still waking up. You throw your baby banana peel in my bed and look at me with those giant, innocent eyes. You are innocent. I smile and tell you to go give it to Dadda. You pick it up and say, "Ok Ma." This small moment makes me smile to the point of watery eyes.
The way you say "Love you Mama" ten times before bed. And then you have to tell your entire bedroom goodnight. "Good-night bunny, good-night babies, good-night piano, good-night chair, good-night books." Giving each of these items a kiss.
Melts me again.....
You are fiercely passionate, just like your mama. You are patient like your Daddy. Your laugh is the most infectious sound I have ever heard. I believe you have gotten the best of each of us. You will be a a wonderful person. You won't be foolish like I was. How do I know? I can just feel it. You have courage & independence like your mama and you are smart and strong like your Daddy. With every beat of your heart, my heart follows right along. I wonder what it is that I used to live for. Now that you fill my life, I wonder what it was that kept me going everyday. How did I live without such a purpose in my life? How you have changed me for the better, Scarlett.
Now and then, and not too often, you wake up out of your sleep and you cry, "Mama, where are you?" There is no way I have it in my being to ignore this sweet sound. As I sleepily enter your room, I see you peeking over your crib, waiting patiently for me. I sense that maybe you have a belly ache or that you are feeling scared. I pick you up and you engulf me with your open arms. Your sweet baby scent fills my nose. This is happiness. Not wanting to put you down, I bring you to my bed and lay down with you on my chest. Instantly, you drift into sleep. In this moment, I feel like everything makes sense. In a world of complete chaos and sadness, for just one moment, I feel calm. I soak up those few nights. I want more of those nights, because soon, they will be gone.
Scarlett, I love you in ways that I cannot explain.
I know by the way Daddy looks at you, that he feels the exact same way. We just want to give you the best we can. We want you to be happy and to love God. I pray that I can do this. I hope that I can raise you how you deserve. I love you Scarlett. I will probably say this a million times. So many times that you will be sick to death of hearing it. But I guarantee that one day, you will look back and you will be thankful for all of our love. Today, you are 21 months. Bittersweet.
What do I want you to know today?
That you are my sunshine....Scarlett, my only sunshine.
with love,
Mama.
